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She keeps finding her boyfriend chatting online with other women—what to do?
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By Lynn Harris
 ear Lynn,
I have serious relationship problems. I keep finding my boyfriend online as “single” and chatting to other girls. The first time I caught him, he said it was because he needed someone to talk to. The second time, he said he was trying to catch me cheating.
But I have never given him reason for suspecting me of cheating. I have never lied to him. I have done |  | | Because he has done this, I cannot trust him. |
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everything I know of to make him happy, but he continues to keep his life closed off from me ever since the first time I caught him “cheating.” Of course, he never met anyone in person; he said that therefore, he didn’t cheat.
He says because he cannot trust me, he keeps things to himself. But because he has done this (gone online as single), I cannot trust him. I want to, and we’ve worked on it, but I keep finding stuff that he’s hidden from me. I keep catching him in lies.
So, is what he’s done really considered cheating? Am I wasting my time trying to save this relationship?
– What Should I Do in L.A.
Dear What Should I Do,
Is it cheating?
Is that really relevant?
Your boyfriend is (1) pretending he is single online, (2) not getting why you might not love that and (3) inventing ridiculous excuses that insult you and your intelligence. To debate whether or not he’s cheating is to fiddle while your relationship burns. I don’t care if he’s never met | | | His chatting is a sting operation to catch you cheating? | |
anyone in person. He’s not even meeting you close to halfway.
So to answer your other, more pertinent questions: Yes — at this point, since you say you’ve already worked on it — I think this one seems beyond saving.
I know that that’s hard to hear no matter how badly one’s partner is behaving, so I’m sorry to be the bearer of harsh news. But the emotional switcheroos he’s pulling — his chatting is a sting operation to catch you cheating? He can’t trust you? — are dangerous. Stay with him longer, and you’ll do what humans to do survive: You’ll adjust. You’ll start to absorb these things as real; you may even start to believe them. And that, my dear — even more than catching someone cheating — can destroy your soul.
So yes, your valuable time will be much better spent packing your stuff, licking your wounds and gathering around you the things that give you strength: family, friends, interests and time to yourself. And then, one day when you’re ready, it’ll be time for you to go online as single. Best of luck.
Lynn Harris (www.lynnharris.net) is co-creator, with Chris Kalb (www.chriskalb.com), of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net — you can visit BG's blog to discuss this letter! A longtime journalist, Lynn has written about dating, gender, and culture high and low for Glamour, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Salon.com, Nerve.com, and many others. She is currently the communications strategist for Breakthrough, a transnational organization that creates pop culture to promote human rights. Submit your own dating questions for Ask Lynn via bg@breakupgirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.
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How would you feel about your date using a Groupon (or some other discount deal) to pay for your date? |
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14% |
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Mortified that the other person seems so cheap |
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35% |
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I really don’t care one way or the other |
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52% |
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Totally support it… after all, dating is expensive! |
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